let's be real

Dear Tumblr,

Totoo ba na “time heals all wounds?” If that so, how long? more than 2 years? Dear tumblr, i met this guy when I was in high school. At first, he was my crush, then after I discover his attitude.. I didn’t like him, he always makes me mad. Wala sa kanya yung mga quality na gusto ko sa isang lalaki. MAyabang xa, mapang asar.. tamad p mag aral..pasaway sa school, and he smoke pa. Pero, inspite of that, he is a good looking guy that every girl would like.. I like his style. masipag din sya in other ways, magaling gumawa ng motor, magaling mag drawing..seryoso naman sya kausap minsan. He was my classmate so I know everything he does.. I see him na pinapagalitan ng mga teacher.. but why is that? (I’t doesn’t matter to me). Nung una, akala ko crush ko lang sya.. but why am i being so blind.. It feels like I’ve already accepted who he is no matter what. IS it love? YEs, I would say. In short, naging kmi. Pero our relationship was not good enough. di kami nag uusap sa skul kasi mraming mga chismosa sa skul especially the teachers.. so we only talk outside the school. But the fun part is.. nabago ko siya. It was awesome. kasi kung kilala mo talaga siya parang wala na siya pag asa mgbago.. he never listen to anybody including to his family or teachers.. wala sya knakatakot kung pagaglitan ba siya or what. but I tried for the first time, I asked him if pwede bang wag sya mgpakita sakin that he’s smoking.. and sumunod naman sya.. you know its hard to quit smoking that quick.. but I tried to change him.. nagbago sya unti-unti. pero my kasalan ako. instead of being with him, I chose to hang out with my friends.. I always ignore him. Siya yung nag bago ako nman yung naging lakwatsera. hay nako. I don’t know why, maybe na-impluwensyahan lang ng barkada. This is quite a long story..

but in short, I broke up with him many times but he never wanted to break up with me even though I always make him mad. I broke up with him with non sense reasons(pero marami kasing kontrabida gusto kami pag hiwalayin).. kng baga i  just gave up.. and di kami lagi mag kasundo.

after how may weeks ..when i remember him in the middle of the night, ofcourse I cry. alam mo yung natutulog k tpos bgla k mgigising na lumuluha kahit wala kng panaginip ksi pg dilat ng mata mo sya yung una papasok sa isip mo.

after a month nagka bf ulit ako (just for fun). I thought I can forget him. pero hindi. nag ka gf na din xa.. so I was like “ah, okay”

after that.. 8 months na kme wala communication.. di ko na xa nakita kahit anino nya. but that whole time siya lagi ko naiisip khit madame iba nanliligaw saken, nag ka bf n dn ako ng iba pero it didn’t work..one time.. ngtext xa sakin gamit cp ng pinsan nya. gusto nya mgkita kame kasi miss na daw nya ko.. so nagkita kame ulit..dun sa simbahan kng saan naging kame :D

everything was so sweet. he kept on asking me, kung bakit daw ako nakipag break sa kanya. I knew that it would be the last time na magkasama kame.. kasi aalis na din ako puntang amerika. masaya naman ako kasi my gf na sya.. mabaet naman yung gf nya.. Willing to give him evrything(kase patay na patay yung girl sa kanya).

After that, i text him, sabi ko okay lang saken kung yun na yung huling pagkikita namen masaya na ko. Pero nagkita pa kame ulit (huling hirit)

haha. may program kasi sa skul nmen dati, eh di ba dun lang sa likod yung house nila, so panapunta nya ko dun. Dun ako nag lunch.. pero my pasok ako (college na ko).. but he doesn’t let me go, I still remember kung paano nya hawakan ng mahigpit yung kamay ko tnago pa nya yung bag ko para hindi ako makaalis.. so absent na ko sa school..

may gf na sya pero mahal pa rin nya ko, tinanung ko sya.. sabi nya love p daw nya ko.. balak ko nga agawin xa dun sa gf nya kaya lang.. mabaet ako eh. ayoko manira ng relasyon..kawawa nman yung girl di ba.. baka magpakamatay hahaha.

so ayun.. then the next time nakita ko xa ulit (pinaka-pinaka last ime nakita ko siya) kasama nya gf nya. nasa harap ko sila, sweet nga nila eh.. ako, ok lang sakin, inggit lang ako kse buti p xa my bgo ng lovelife ako wala pa.. hehe.

pero tumatawag pden si ex. isang beses nga in the middle of the night nag ddrama ko at umiiyak kase naalala ko xa..and then tumawag sya..sabi ko, “oh baket ka tumatawg gabing gabi na?” and then sabi nya.. “miss na kita, eh” naiyak ako ng bongga binabaan ko tuloy xa ng phone. hahaha.

then dumating yung time na paalis na ko,papuntang amerika.. sinabi ko sa kanya… then sabi nya, wag na daw ako umalis. then niloko ko xa.. sabi ko..”sige sa isang kondisyon” sabi ko iwan n nya gf nya para kame nlang ulet. lam mo ba sabi nya? oo daw..! sabi ko, “kawawa naman yung isa baka mgpakamatay.?” and then sabi nya, “eh, di pakamatay..” haha katawa di ba. ikaw anu mararamdaman mo pg ganun?..

ako, ang nramdaman ko magkahalong tuwa at lungkot. masaya kasi khit one year na kme mgkahiwalay and my new gf na sya, ako pden gusto nya eh samantalang..kame 4 months lang ang tinagal.. and at the same time i felt sad kasi sayang di ba.. right love at the wrong time? dito na ko titira sa ammerika.. and then ayun..

until now more than two years ago na kaming break pero parang kahapon lang ang lahat. it still hurts..

“I see him..he is so far away from me. I wish he would come to me, I wish he would talk to me. I always wanted his attention. And then he walk by and came to me. He hugs me so tight, I can feel his love. Then I opened my eyes.. I have tears in my eyes and realized that I’m hugging my bear stuffed toy I was just dreaming.”